Peter:
On Monday I had drinks with Barney Rubble
We hit a couple divy little bars
We noticed there was quite a lovely lady
Sitting at the table next to ours
Now Barney, who was pretty friggin' wasted
Got up and stumbled over with a groan
He said: "Hey, just between us, my neanderthalic
penis is as massive as a stegosaurus bone!"
All Cartoons are fuckin' dicks
They get their kicks from being pricks
It's a quirk, we just can't fix
'Cause all cartoons are fuckin' dicks
Meg: "Did Barney really say that?"
Peter: "Oh, yeah! He is a bastard."
Lois: "Wow!"
Peter: "An-And he really does not give a damn about the feelings of women!
Ah, aah.. it's Sad! It's really sad..."
Brian: "Well you think that's bad, listen to this"¦"
One day I met an ape of great charisma
Magilla the Gorilla was his name
He wore a little hat and matching bowtie
A fashion witch has brought him great acclaim
I said: "What do you see as your career-peak?
Of all your many flashy escapades."
He said: "Well this is funky,
but you're looking at the monkey who's responsible for bringing you the AIDS. "
All Cartoons are fuckin' dicks
They get their kicks from being pricks
It's a quirk, we just can't fix
'Cause all cartoons are fuckin' dicks
Peter: "So he's the cold prick?"
Stewie: "I say that is just awful!"
Lois: "Okay, okay! Listen to this little gin"¦"
I had a conversation at a party
With famous Rabbit Hunter Elmer Fudd
He told me I just had to see his rifle
And dropped it at the table with a thud
I said to him: "It's quite a lovely firearm."
He told me his fiancé likes it to
He said: "This maybe corny but it really gets me horny when
I press it to her temple while we screw!"
All Cartoons are fuckin' dicks
They get their kicks from being pricks
It's a quirk, we just can't fix
'Cause all cartoons are fuckin' dicks
Peter: "Aw, God! That is one sick bastard!"
Stewie: "Euw, you're not kidding?"
Brian: "Yeah, that"¦ eeh"¦ that stuff's kinda' against the law to, I think."
Chris: "Well, I got one that's even worse than that"¦"
On Friday-night I went to get some candy
Some soda and some chips and other stuff
Along the way I passed a little alley
And there I saw that K-9 called McGruff
I said to him: "Hey! You're that famous crime dog!"
He said:
"I only work from nine to five! And now it's close "ten-ish" and I
got a job to finish "˜cause as you can see this hooker's still alive!"
All Cartoons are fuckin' dicks
They get their kicks from being pricks
It's a quirk, we just can't fix
'Cause all cartoons are fuckin' dicks
Meg: "That's awful!"
Stewie: "Uh! Imagine McGruff beating up hookers!"
Peter: "He is a dick"¦ He is a DICK!"
Stewie: "Yes, yes! He's a nasty Cartoon, but I can top that"¦ Listen to this!"
One day as I was strolling through the forest
I happened on some mushroom covered turf
And there from underneath a patro-fungus
Emerged the one and only Papa Smurf
He said: "This is our secret mushroom village!"
I said: "Then I'm the first to see these views?"
He said: "I'm only kidding, "˜cause we only keep it hidden from the Asians,
Adams, Faggots, Blacks and Jews!"
All Cartoons are fuckin' dicks
They get their kicks from being pricks
It's a quirk, we just can't fix
'Cause all cartoons are fuckin' dicks
Lois: "That Papa Smurf sounds like a monster!"
Stewie: "Oh, he's a dirty, nasty racist and a bigot and homophobe,
and do you know what I did when I got home?"
Brian: "What?"
Stewie: "I called up Gargamel and I told him where the village is!"
[LAUGHTER]
Peter: "That's sweeeeet"¦"
Meg: "Can I go next?"
Lois: "Of course, sweetie!"
Meg: "One day I met a"¦-"
Peter: "Holy crap! Look who's here, it's Jason Alexander!"
JA: "Hey, Cartoon-haters!"
Meg: "B-but I was supposed to go next!"
Lois: "Quiet, honey! Mr. Alexander wants to talk!"
JA: "I couldn't help overhearing what you were talking about and I agree.
Cartoons are real fucking assholes!"
Brian: "Yeah, that's sorta' what we've been trying to communicate."
JA: "Well, get a load of this!"
Peter: "(Laughing) He said load!!"
Lois: "(Laughing) I know! I heard!"
I once met Scooby-Doo at a première bash
He looked a little haggard and he stunk
He said: "The trouble started last December.
When Daphne made a pass while she was drunk."
And now he's got a child out of wedlock
It's dealing his career a fatal blow
I asked him: "Where's the baby?"
He said: "Jason, buddy, maybe now you see why fuckin' Scrappy's gotta go!"
All Cartoons are fuckin' dicks
They get their kicks from being pricks
It's a quirk, we just can't fix
'Cause all cartoons are fuckin' dicks
Peter: "Wow, Scrappy is the bastard child of Scooby and Daphne?"
JA: "Shocking isn't it?"
Peter: "Yeah! Hey, you douche bags wanna wrap this up?"
[CHOIR SINGING]
So let us now leave you with one suggestion
A bit of wisdom you can take for free
"˜Cause the Micky's and the Goofy's and the Daffy's
Are not the gentle souls they seem to be
So anytime Sylvester catches Tweety
Or Tom has got poor Jerry in a fix
(He's in a fix!)
Sit back and just observe it;
"˜Cause the little shits deserve it
FOR ALL CARTOONS ARE FUCKIN' DICKS!
Stewie:
"So! When do we get to the "˜off-color' part of the album?"