Listen very carefully
I'll say this only once -
I haven't had a moment's peace
In thirty-seven months
Commitments squeezed like tinned sardines
Into each precious hour
But I'll survive, 'cause where there's life
There's generally a bar
(Line 'em up)
Births and deaths and marriages
Cabbages and kings
Slugs and snails and e-mails
Other precious things
Cherubim and seraphim
Go green with envy for
All the births and deaths and marriages
Mortality affords
Today a man got on my tram
And wiped his sweaty neck
And suddenly, I saw how he
Must look whilst having (sex!)
I felt like Henry the Sixth felt
When he sang hysterically
Watching the slaughter his supporters
Thought he ought to see
Births and deaths and marriages
Divorces, christenings
Isn't life a roll of strife
Round a splendid thing
Cherubim and seraphim
Continually do cry
"Life's wasted on these mortal ones
So can we have a try?"
(Yeah)
Here's a story 'bout a boy
Ignored by all the class
Broke his leg so he could get them
All to sign his cast
But instead of writing "Get Well Soon"
They wrote "You Suck"
A dreadful story, I'm terribly sorry
At least I - made it up!
Births and Deaths and Marriages
Cabbages and kings
Tops and tails and screams and wails
Cheated in between
What the hell? I'm fit and well
I'm able and I'm willing
I'm not from Venus or from Mars -
I'm from Enniskillen!
So why watch the nation's "Hundred Greatest
Things In History"
When the top spot goes by lot
To Bohemian Rhapsody?
You will never see a poor bookie
The dealer always wins
And there ain't no clocks 'round the Vegas slots
Keep texting your votes in
(Woo!)
Goodnight, and may your God go with you