Class of '99
Drink booze
If i could offer you only one tip for the future, boozing would be it.
The long term effects of heavy boozing can be dangerous, but dont worry about that for now.
My other advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice. Now.
Crime is good, if you can get away with it, do it.
If you can do anything that gets you money without hurting anyone else, even better.
In 20 years when you look back at photos of yourself and recall in a boozy woozy haze how much money you could have robbed and say what in the name of janey maesus was i wearing.
Yes, you do have a huge fat arse
Drink a half bottle of gin every morning, that way you wont feel like such a loser
Video-tape the show upwardly mobile, its very humorous and you'll miss it when its gone
Do one thing every day with somebody else?s spouse
Whinge
Give people you sleep with the phone number of Supermacs and say your real name is Morris
Fooilz
Dont waste time on scratch cards
Mix your drinks, its a cheaper buzz
Dont puke when boozing, or you're a total ponce or a stupid girl
Remember compliments you receive, beat the living daylights out of anyone who insults you
Keep your old love letters; throw away your used condoms
Belch
Dont feel guilty if you knock someone up, they'll blame it on Morris from Supermacs
If see a girl with an arse that smiles at you smack it, all women love that despite what they might say
The most interesting people i know let me be the centre of attention
Stalk someone
Cause a loud fuss in shops; its a total laugh so it is
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you wont, maybe you'll talk someone into a bit of hoojah without any svings, jeepers lads its better than paying for it
Whatever you do dont be nice to foreign students. They are loud and noisy and they are probably better looking that you. Give them the wrong directions
Enjoy someone elses body, use it every way you can. Try and talk them into things they dont look they do, and they will
Get your own way
If someone skips you in a queue, follow them home, piss on their doorstep, and let all the air down in their wheels
Do not read porno magazines, women wont ever do those things for you
Be nice to your parents, they have more dirt on you than you know
Dont be nice to your siblings, they secretly hate you and always will, they just want you for free baby sitting and their children are smelly
Understand that friends must go, especially those ones that wear baseball caps and sunglasses on the top of their head
Kick small dogs; theyre only a small step up from vermin
Drop your trousers at parties and walk around, the older you get the funnier that becomes
Live in Cork city once, but leave before it makes you woolly
Dont ever live in Carlow, its a total dump full of scumbags
Go away
Accept certain truths, punts will disappear, politicians will get caught, you too will get old, and when they do they will release another compilation of songs you already have
Scratch your crotch and drool on the train, that way you'll always have the seat to yourself
Urinate in public places, dont expect anyone else to support you while you do it
Always cheat in your exams, it shows initiative
Remember everyone is a filthy liar in their own way
Dont mess too much with yourself or by the time you're 40 you'll be blind
Ugly and or fat girls are easy; they are also more grateful and have to try harder
Stolen goods are great valu. Getting them is like breaking into a house, getting the stereo and video, making sure you get away, and selling them for less than they are worth
But trust me on the boozing