Ex-Girlfriend

When I say "hey,"

You say "hoe!"

Hey (hoe!) Hey (hoe!)

That's basically how Hitler rose to power

My ex-girlfriend, she was a bitch,

But you know, they say,

If you wanna know what a girl's gonna look like then look at her mother.

So I am so glad I broke up with her,

'Cause she would have been, you know, dead.

Guys, I'm a realist, OK?

I try not to romanticize reality.

You know, like when life gives you lemons, you probably just found lemons.

But at the same time I don't deny the beauty in the world,

'Cause there is so much beauty,

'Cause life can be so symmetrical, that it gives birth to this almost silent poetry,

You know like a hermaphrodite playing the keytar,

Or a young Amish boy trying to blow out the light bulbs on his birthday cake,

Or a girl who's terrible at grammar saying, "mama, you raised me good" then being pushed down a well.

If I had a dime, oh! If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change,

I'd still say no.

Here's some racial humor for you guys

White people are like this, "Ahh"

Black people are like this, "Uhh,"

We're destined to fight forever, blood in the streets.

Your mama's so fat,

Your mama's so ugly,

Your mama's so stupid,

Your mother's breasts sag with such severity that the late, great surrealist artist Salvador Dali mistook them for clocks.