[Mercedes:]
Bless this day
Pinnacle of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day
[Will:]
Emma, I can't find my shoes
Today is for Emma
Emma, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
Today is for Emma
My happily soon-to-be wife
Emma, we're really getting married!
[Emma:]
Pardon me
Is everybody there?
Because if everybody's there
I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding
I'd appreciate your going even more
I mean you must have lots of better things to do
And not a word of this to Will
Remember Will, you know, the man I'm gonna marry
But I'm not
Because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is
But I thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers
Thank you all
Now it's back to the showers
Don't tell Will
But I'm not getting married today
[Mercedes:]
Bless this day
Tragedy of life
Husband yoked to wife
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day
[Will:]
Emma, I can't find my good cuff-links
[Emma:]
They're on the dresser
Right next to my suicide note
Listen, everybody, look
I don't know what you're waiting for
A wedding, what's a wedding
It's a prehistoric ritual
Where everybody promises fidelity forever
Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of
Which is followed by a honeymoon
Where suddenly he'll realize
He's settled with a nut
And wanna kill me, which he should
So, thanks a bunch
But I'm not getting married
Go have lunch
'Cause I'm not getting married
You've been grand
But I'm not getting married
Don't just stand there
I'm not getting married
And don't tell Will
But I'm not getting married today
Go, can't you go?
Why is nobody listening?
Goodbye
Go and cry
At another person's wake