If You Ever Hear His Name, Harden Not Your Arteries

I'm such a turd that I wouldn't sell Elle McPherson's dad a ranger;

I'm such a loser I'll be one of the few not to bang her;

I've got a worse job than a sweating TISM roadie; ah,

I'm more fucked than that guy stuck in Cambodia;

I've left my kids in the Casino carpark, and my car in the creche there too:

But if I'm such a dickhead, what does that make you?

I was checking the seals on the Space shuttle - until it exploded;

I told Brandon Lee, "Don't be a fool: the gun's not really loaded."

I got ten years for showing a kid the banana in my pyjama;

I'm such a stiff I've applied for the job of lead singer of Nirvana;

I think winning a Commonwealth gold medal is a worthwhile thing to do;

But if I'm such a dickhead, what does that make you?

I grew up in a suburb where the tram lines refuse to go;

I went to a school that you ain't likely to know;

I'm for the old fashioned doctrine that a pratt is a pratt is a pratt

Even when he's got in-line skates and wears a baseball cap;

So who's the joke finally on? It's easy enough to see -

'Cos if you're all such dickheads, what does that make me?