Not long ago I went through the gate of dreams
I came to the famous City of Destruction
Where now a shuttle runs to the Emerald City
With air miles and big group reductions
So I went to the ticket office where Evangelist sat
And reserved seats through credit card calls
I said ' How does it feel now they changed your job?'
He said 'Now I don't feel anything at all'
As we moved off I looked down on the Myre of Despair
From a bridge that passed a thousand miles above
Its legs were made of books that they'd thrown into the mud
And the books were of philosophy and love
As we reached the Hill of Difficulty, we waited for a climb
They'd dug a tunnel through the center of the stone
And with the excess rock, well the valley became landfill
Where once you'd had to walk down there alone
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For all those who seek the truth but don't have the time to get there
Don't have the time to get there
The train ride felt so smooth that I put my feet up
Barely noticing the motion of the carriage
The stewardess was Prudence with her sister Charity
For fifteen grand they'd sell their hands in marriage
And just as we were entering the Valley of Death
I expected to be plunged into the darkness
But the company had floodlit the underground gloom
Taken care not to make this place seem joyless
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For all those with the money, just tender up the fare
Just tender up the fare
It looked like we stopped at the mouth of Hell itself
But they said it was a now-extinct volcano
And if you'd seen the demons seemed to emanate from there
You'd have taken the guidebook at its say so
But some of my companions they would not get back in
They'd heard that heaven it was vastly over-rated
The weather here was warmer, and drinking was allowed
And they thought they'd see us come back here much later
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
For a journey free of care, for a journey free of trouble
All aboard, all aboard the Celestial Shuttle
You could be home by now, if you lived there
If you lived there
After boarding no new passengers we went upon our way
Past the place where Pope and Pagan ruled with terror
But now the giant Scientology had eaten them for breakfast
And bought all the property around her
At a city called Vanity we stayed for the night
Where one's every whim was catered for and sated
The shuttle brought prosperity and business in its wake