The Only Thing Stopping Me From Being Happy Is That Iââ‚¬â„¢m Not More Depressed

I been listenin' to silverchair, now I wish I was a freak;

Been readin' The River Ophelia - I'd love a masochistic streak;

But I am just a normal guy - I even use capital "S" -

Why, I'd rather tell the papers that I secretly cross-dress;

Women Who Run With Men Who Hate Wolves just left me unimpressed -

I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed.

To get anywhere these days it seems a problem's a necessity;

Your father's gay; heroin's passe - just another fashion accessory;

I tried Recovered Memory, but that put me in a bind

Cos I became hypnotically aware my Dad was really kind.

You might have once been traumatized, but we're not all similarly blessed -

I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed.

I went along to the Men's Movement - "Stop crying, girl," they'd shout;

Steve Biddulph, who wrote that Manhood book, got up and punched my lights out;

I went along to the women's room, but all I did was get it wrong -

I told 'em Smack Your Bitch Up was my current favorite song;

"But the Prodigy are so confronting," I tried vainly to protest:

I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed.

I lied to the Gambling Help Line, said I'd made my family poor -

When I asked what chance recovery, they offered me nine to four;

I rang that Alan Jones guy up, but he couldn't help me either:

"You a battler or a bludger?" he said - it turns out, I was neither!

"Come back when you're a stereotype if you wanna be in the press."

I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed.

Finally I told the wife the reason I'd been so undemanding,

And what was worse, she took it well, and was totally understanding;

Those self-destructing relationships are simply too much fuss:

Whose Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Well, I gotta say, not us -

Would you believe I like my kids? Can you get more mentally messed?

I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed.

Why is it just so hard for me to take things way too far?

I'd like to travel beyond good and evil, but first I gotta wash the car;

I'd like to get a nipple ring and connect it to my dodger,

But somehow it just don't suit a bloke whose name is plain old Roger-

I'd be a member of the underclass, but they'd laugh at how I dressed:

I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed.

So it looks like I got to give up my dream of joining the Bad Seeds -

Those guys can't handle confronting concepts, like "thanks" and "please"

Sneaking 16 things in the "12 Items Only" aisle will be my biggest sin;

It's the shopping center of modern consciousness that I will stay trapped in -

I buy my junk from off the streets - I find The Trading Post's the best:

I'm sure that I'd be happier if I could be more depressed.

I just know I can't be creative. Why? I'm not depressed enough -

Yet I wish I was the guy who wrote: "If you're creative - get stuffed."

There's a competition going to have the most painful lives,

But the pain you feel from nine to five I guess don't qualify.

Your life might be miserable, but that don't stop your art from being crappier:

I'm sure that I would be more depressed if I wasn't happier.