I'm Sorry

No, I never was in Vietnam

I never once dove into an empty

swimming pool

I never let the carpet walk right out

from under me

I never painted a house or a tree

I never did become an exotic dancer, or a

customer service representative

I never took the pulse of a dying duck,

or gave mouth to mouth

resuscitation to a horse fly

In a way, I suppose you could say

my experience is quite limited

For example, I never locked Oliver

Cromwell in a broom closet while

singing Waltzing Matilda

I never sawed television in half,

although I once saw Wendy O.

Williams saw a guitar

I never played a decent game of jacks

I never played poker with a toothless one

eyed pirate who kept

picking his teeth with a bowie knife to

distract me, while his parrot looked

over my shoulder and told him what

cards I had by using an elaborate code

involving vomiting, chirping,

and sea chanteys

I never bought a lamp-wait; I did buy a

lamp once

But I never bought a lantern, or a

lambskin prophylactic

I never bought a loin or a

Loinel Ritchie album

I never bought anthing beginning with

the letter "L" except lollipops, light

bulbs and lettuce and the lamp

I never laid down for a nap and found the

Everly Brothers in bed with me

I never let a cyborg take out the garbage

I'm sorry

I stole the radio

I did it

I sawed the legs off the periodic table

I re-elected the president

I did it, it was my fault

I farted in the church

I'm sorry

I did many many bad things and I am so

sorry!