Over 2000 years ago
When dinosaurs ruled the land
A baby with a beard was born
And that baby became a man
And that man who was born on Christmas Day
He seemed to have a plan
He said: "I'm going to start a religion off
And call it Christian... ity"
And 2000 years later
I went and wrote this song
Using words and melodies
To tell you what went on
God came down from the sky
With a little drop of pre-cum in His Jap's eye
(His Jap's eye, His Jap's eye
A little drop of pre-cum in His holy Jap's eye)
He said: "I need to find a lady
She can't be a munta or
A total rotten slag or a filthy fucking whore
I need a virgin lady and she's got to be pure
With a sausage wallet that has not been used before
So, Joseph, Joseph, will you give me your word?
You haven't doinked her, Joseph?
Come on, give us a go with your bird"
Joseph said: "Mary's pure, she is a virgin
I've never got my knob beyond those outside flaps of skin
It's not for want of trying though, much to my chagrin
She let me buff it round the edges but I've never stuck it in
So, go on, God, give her one from me
Pump her full of Jesus juice and make a baby
The holiest baby in history - J-E-S-U-S-C-H-R-I-S-T"
Oh, Jesus, Jesus
He's a baby with a beard
Jesus, Jesus
Out of Mary's sausage wallet he just appeared
It always seems so clear to me
The most Christmassy baby in history
Was a baby with a beard and it was Jesus
And what if Jesus Christ was born here today?
In the modern day on a Christmas Day?
I'm sure that he would say "take those poxy gifts away
Back on Santa's sleigh 'cause they are proper gay
'Cause I don't want gold, frankincense and myrrh
They're a bag of wank, I would much prefer
An iPod Touch, a flatscreen TV
And Grand Theft Auto for Playstation 3
'Cause he's Jesus, Jesus
He's a baby with a beard
Jesus, Jesus
Out of Mary's sausage wallet he just appeared
It always seems so clear to me
The most hirstute-ist baby in history
Was a baby with a beard and it was Jesus
And if it was me who got a bird up the duff
By unconsciencly shagging her muff
It wouldn't be a Jesus
It would be a bastard, raped baby son of a cunt